There was a time when I was in the dark. And I don’t mean unsaved darkness, what I’m referring to is the darkness when you don’t “feel” God no where around you. Kind of like those weird rain showers where if you move a couple of feet the rain vanishes. I had been in this place where I knew sunshine existed but all I saw was darkness. I prayed and reciceved no answers, read my bible with no revelations, went to church but felt no praise. I remember begging God to just acknowledge me and I didn’t get that. I “felt” no love coming from Him. I hated it!! I felt like David in his prayer to God in Psalms:
My God, My God, why have You forsaken Me? O My God, I cry in the daytime, but You do not hear; And in the night season, and am not silent. But You are holy, Enthroned in the praises of Israel. Our fathers trusted in You; They trusted, and You delivered them. They cried to You, and were delivered; They trusted in You, and were not ashamed. But I am a worm, and no man; A reproach of men, and despised by the people. All those who see Me ridicule Me; They shoot out the lip, they shake the head, saying, He trusted in the Lord, let Him rescue Him; Let Him deliver Him, since He delights in Him! But You are He who took Me out of the womb; You made Me trust while on My mothers breasts. I was cast upon You from birth. From My mothers womb You have been My God. Be not far from Me, For trouble is near; For there is none to help. (Psalm 22:1-11 NKJV)
And I didn’t share my feelings with anyone because I didn’t think they would understand. It was a if their joy and peace mocked me. I wanted what they had, I was so desparate that I became envious and that envy turned into shame. I wanted to know what wrong I had done to make God not want me. Oh how foolish I WAS.
In Matthew 11 John the Baptist went through something similar to what King David, myself and thousands of people went through. He was sitting prison waiting… Maybe he thought being Jesus’ cousin Jesus would just break him out (I would’ve thought that). But jesus didn’t do that and while John was waiting he allowed doubt to creep up on him. ” and said to him, “Are you the one who is to come, or shall we look for another?” (Matthew 11:3 ESV) Now funny thing is John heard about all the things Jesus was \\\doing yet he still asked. Response to John: And Jesus answered them, “Go and tell John what you hear and see: the blind receive their sight and the lame walk, lepers are cleansed and the deaf hear, and the dead are raised up, and the poor have good news preached to them. And blessed is the one who is not offended by me.” (Matthew 11:2-6 ESV)
And blessed is the one who is not offended by me. !!! What does Jesus mean by this? I think he means that there will be times we are waiting on him. Times when we are desparately seeking him for answers or just need a little love and attention and he has other plans. So while we are wating for Him he doesn’t want us to grow weary (although I have a “feeling” that he knows we panic). So even in the times when it doesn’t look like God gives a crap, even in the times when your alone, even when you don’t “feel” anything you are blessed!!! Don’t lose hope, don’t forget your faith! We have to belive God we He says He would never leave nor forsake us (Hebrews 13:5). Believe when He says He will not abandon those that search for Him if we trust Him (Psalms 9:10).
I think the only thing that kept me was knowing that sunshine existed even though at the time I could not see it through all the darkness.
In what is becoming my favorite book God Loves Broken People: Even Those Who Pretend They Aren’t, Shelia Walsh shares this quote from Rev. Brian Kolodiejchuk “The tendency in our spiritual life but also in our more general attitude toward love is that our feelings are all that is going on. And so to us the totality of love is what we feel. But to really love someone requires commitment, fidelity and vulnerability. “
Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable with God thats what He needs for us to see that we need Him. And if we really love Him we won’t let our “feelings” dictate our commitment to him. Now I have full confidence that He is with me where ever I go. And if I need some “feelings” I remind myself of all the things He has done for me and I break down every time.
Lord, I pray for who ever you lead to this bog. Help them to see that your love is more than just feelings and its who you are are. Let us get past the surface level and truly seek you for you are so worthy of our adoration and praise. Let us continue to thirst after and seek your righteousness. Amen